I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
