i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
