I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
