You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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