I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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