My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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