honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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