I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?