Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
