it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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