You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I have a pirate flag
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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