I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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