Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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