I can text with my tongue
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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