i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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