So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
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I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
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Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize