i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
