Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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