I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
whose parrot is this?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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