Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Reggie can tackle my bush.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
