you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Little spoons don't ask big questions
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with