Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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