So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
