idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
