Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
