i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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