I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
