Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
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woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
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I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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