I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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