I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
