Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
