I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
