he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
