At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
