You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Please don't give away my fajitas
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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