apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
