just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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