Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
