thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
