Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
