Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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