Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
