oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
