I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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