there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
