one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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