I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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