Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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