im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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