I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
