before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
