And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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