In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
