omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
