how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
