I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
