i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
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My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
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Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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