oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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