alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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